Perryites: A Field Guide

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Perryites (par-e-ites, n.): Not to be confused with parasites, although damn close. Also commonly referred to as ‘ites or -ites, this particular creature lurks at the forefront of Steve Perry and Journey fandom, often presenting itself as a prime example of Steve Perry’s fans.


How to recognize an ‘ite:


1) Notice the peculiar grammar, spelling, incoherency and otherwise odd turns of phrase.

            Here’s an example from ‘Steve Perry’s Photo Palace’:

            "Your comments are not accurate the palaca as is stated in the title is PERRY. The journey boards bash steve for no reason. 99% of the KIDS in those boards havent been a journey fan as long as we have. we Know the true Journey, I have been a fan of Journey since 1979, I Know the true journey. They dont and either do you. IF you all at the Journey boards were true and I mean TRUE journey fans you wouldnt BASH ANY MEMBER. NOt all bashing is on the Perry baords in yahoo. I can go into Journeys OWN website to back talk and its there also. So dont put the blame on the perry boards in yahoo. We may bash Augarri but its in fun on our board, the Perry board we dont go into other baords or put on our site. your making yourself low by doing what you did on your shrine. Augarri made his own bed.”



2) They engage in long, obsessive discussions regarding his hair, nose, eyes, or any other body part (especially his ‘Elmo’). Using peculiar euphemisms for his body parts is common.

 

3) They spend inordinate amounts of time trying to convince people that they know him personally, worked for him, went to school with him, or know someone who did. “My second cousin’s third grade schoolteacher dated him.” Or, “I was a roadie/sound tech/fluffer for the band”. Another favorite: those who claim to be related to him somehow.


4) Anyone who participates in groups that try to ‘track him down’. Hanging around outside one of his homes or condos, attempting to track his movements, or following him around are hallmark herd behavior.


5) Any attempt to emulate him. This is more for the guys than the girls.


6) A restraining order always marks a true ‘ite.


7) The more aggressive members of the species horde memorabilia (usually paying too much for it on Ebay first) and then dole it out bit by bit to ‘friends’ and ‘list members’. They claim ownership of photos, often putting banners across them and calling the images ‘rare’.


8) ‘ites often write about fantasy sexual encounters with Perry...which is fine, but they have to add things like rhinos, bellboys, nubs, seeds, manhoods and juices. A true ‘ite has one or more of the listed items in their tales.


9) ‘ites plagiarize the fanfic of others or simply steal graphics off other websites to clabber together their own poorly constructed bits of Internet glory. These sites are recognizable by the very large fonts used. 


10) The most commonly recognized behavior is a need to post “HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEVE” on every single list, forum and website guestbook they can. Hopefully this occurs on January 22nd, but sometimes random dates are used.


11) Perryites (Journeyites as well) post on graphic-enabled forums with the largest signatures possible, often 250k or larger. This causes the forums to load slowly, if at all. The signatures are often collages of as many Perry pictures as the ‘ite could find.


12) Any suggestion that Steve Perry may not be an angelic being made of light and the laughter of babies sets an ‘ite to frothing at the mouth. Steve Perry has never said an unkind word in his life, could never be fat, does not fart, and cannot be portrayed in anything but the most flattering way. Suggesting otherwise may get you an email or post involving things like “U R not rite hes teh best ever, U just dont leik him bcause U R jeleus. Hes teh BEST ur not a fan im goin to tell him about U.”


13) Perryites often hate the other members of Journey, particularly Neal, for terrible crimes against Steve, including replacing him with Steve Augeri. This was a plot. Someone pushed him down that mountain, and he really really wanted to continue with Journey. Eventually. Sort of.


14) They often believe that Steve owes them something - time, a photo, an autograph, a roll in the hay, whatever. Some sort of acknowledgment from Teh VoIcE is the Holy Grail to an ‘ite.


15) They are often found in groups, and like to spend their time complaining about how Steve has not acknowledged them, what they should do next to get his attention, and how terrible other fans are for not being just like them.

 

Beware this creature. If you encounter one in real life, the best course of action is to back away slowly while keeping your eyes lowered. Gazing into the eyes of an ‘ite will encourage it to ask you several questions to see if you are a One True Fan and worthy of their acquaintance.