It’s after midnight and I’ve got you on my mind. The voice on the phone said,
waking you up out a sound sleep. [We've got a lyric here. Just randomly. I'd also like to know what the voice on the phone said. WAIT, WHAT VOICE? You? I?]
When did the phone ring? [I think that's what we'd all like to know...] Thank God for answering machines. [What?] Looking at your clock you see the caller is a little off on the time, 2 A.M. it said. [The caller is off on the time? They thought they were calling at 7 PM?]
It’s your weekend off and a little miffed that you got woke up early. [The weekend is miffed!]
As long as you are awake, you may as well go to the bathroom. [That's always *my* first thought when someone calls me.] As you are going about your business, the phone rings again. “Damn it” You say aloud.
Hurrying to the phone, pulling up your panties as you go, you reach the phone on the 5th ring. [WHAT? WHO CARES! I love how they always give us plenty of details when we don't need them and none when we do.] Picking it up you find it dead. “Who ever it is, had better not call again. It’s getting annoying.” You say. [What, like twice? You can't blame them, you got to it on the 5th ring. What happened to the answering machine you talked about? That waits 6 rings?!]
You remember your caller-id. Finding the call, you notice it says ‘S Perry’ and the number. Shaking your head you figure “nah”. [There
's only one in the world... and you know he wouldn't have his number blocked. Crazy fans? Ha!]
Heading back to bed, you get comfortable again. [I grow weary of reading the suffix -ing at the beginning of every sentence.] You remember you wanted to turn off the ringer. Getting back up, you find the phone in the dark and just as you grope for the ringer button, it rings, you jump back. [Is there a *button*? I always just ripped M's phone cord out of the wall...] “Shit” you say loudly.
Catching your breath and waiting for the caller-id to kick in, you turn on the light on the desk. It is that ‘S Perry’ again. Picking it up you answer, ”Hello.” “Oh I am sorry, I must have the wrong number, please forgive me.” [Greetings. I am a Steve Perry robot.] The voice said. [WTF. I said.]
Oh my god, you think, it sounds so much like him! Trying not to get overly excited, you answer, “Well, what number where you calling?” “I was trying to call 444-333-7777. Did I get it wrong, I am forever doing that.” [CONVENIENT NUMBER. Steve, you're a fucking IDIOT for misdialing that THREE TIMES. GAH. That second sentence makes him sound so flamin'...]
It was him, you know his voice anywhere! Sucking in your breath, you reply; “You did dial wrong, the wrong area code, this is 555. [Oh my God! WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM????] But that’s okay, I had to go to the bathroom anyway!” [Smooth move, ExLax] Did you just say that? ‘Dummy’ your inner voice tells you.
Laughing, he says, “Well, I am sorry, I was trying to get a friend of mine and I seem to have slipped on the dial. See, I wrote the number on a napkin from a club and I guess the glass made a ring.” [Chat it up at 2 AM guys. I've never talked to a wrong
number for more than 2 sentences. Steve Perry isn't going to waste his time on that.] You now really know it is The Steve Perry!!! Your hands begin to sweat and you are getting really warm. [Embarrassed at the realization you just told him you had to pee, maybe.]
“Can I ask what friend, or am I being nosy?” [YES!!!! Yes, you are!! He doesn't know that you know who he is, and what are the odds of you knowing some random caller's friend?] ‘Idiot’ that voice again. [This voice has got something, here...]
“Not a problem. I had ran into Kenny Loggins last week and wanted to get a hold of him for another project. I never said who I was, did I?” [WHY is he calling Kenny Loggins at, what, midnight PT? And why did he tell her! And why is he offering his identity! Not everyone knows who Steve is. Or even who Kenny Loggins is. WWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHAT?]
You don’t have to, you wanted to say, but you do say, “no, you never did.” “I am Steve Perry” there was a hint of laughter in his voice as he spoke his name. [Why, because it's a prank call? Hi, this is *snerk* Steve *stifled giggles* Steve Perry! *laughter in the background*" Actually, he's gone into robot mode again. Look, if you're just like, "I'm Steve Perry" to an anonymous caller, that could mean a world of things. We could be talking about the sci-fi author! Thank you.]
“Well, I kinda already knew that, but it is a pleasure to meet you.” You proceed to tell him your name. “I like that, I wonder if I can write a song with that name? Hmmm, Yeah I think I can.” He pauses for a few minutes. [Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn, you know how long a few minutes' pause would be on the phone? Maybe he wrote the song right there...]
You begin to feel like a teenager again. [When were yo
u *not*?]
“Hold on, I gotta find a pen. Yeah there it is. Damn it, out of ink.” [AHHHH!!! He took a few minutes to think and *then* needs a pen? FUCK!] You can hear him trying to get the pen to work. The next thing you hear is him throwing it in the trash. “I can never find a pen when I need one. Ever have that problem?” [No, Steve. And shut UP, we don't need these details.]
“All the time,” you reply. “Can I ask you a question? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I would understand.”
“I can try. Shoot.” He answers.
Okay, here goes, you think. “Are you still with Robyn?” Your hands are shaking as you find a chair to sit on, realizing you have been standing the entire time.
He pauses, “No, we are no longer together. We drifted apart about three months ago.” [*cries* Holy shit, my boy is a retard. He must've been on acid this whole conversation... why tell your wrong number that?]
Joy and jubilation rip through your body! He’s available, and you are talking with him! Trying to control your joy you tell him, “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Are you okay?” [Of course you didn't know, that's why you *asked*. I'm sure he's not okay, given his pattern of insanity within relationships. Plus the fact that he must be high right now if he's so open.]
“I think so. I have had such a shitty time with women. They do fine in the beginning, but when I want to create and jam with the guys, they turn on me. Tell me, do you know why?” [Because they know you're banging your guitarist]
‘He’s asking me for advice’ your voice says. You have to pick your words carefully. Finally after what seems like an eternity, you answer him. [Probably needed a pen...] “Well, I would think that it has
to do with jealousy. See, in the beginning it is all thrilling and stuff. But as time wears on, a woman wants to be with that man, alone, for a while. But the man wants to continue the lifestyle that made that woman attracted to him in the first place. Did that make sense? I don’t do well at 2:45 am.” [WHOA, whoa, whoa. None of this makes sense. His girlfriends get jealous of him making music because they're tired of him being a rock star? But that's why they were attracted to him in the first place? 'Kay...]
“Oh my god, it’s that late?” You can tell he is looking at his clock. [NO YOU CAN'T!!!!! What, can you hear his watch ticking as he holds it up to the phone for you?]
“No, it’s only 12:45 am. Where are you?”
“Kansas.” You tell him. [HAHAHAHA]
“Kansas? Oh man, I really misdialed, huh? I can let you go if you need to. I think I have your number, I can call back tomorrow.” [Dear God, he's totally out of it...]
‘NO!’ your voice says, don’t let him go! “That’s okay, Steve, I have the weekend off, so I don’t have to go to bed right away.”
“Good, I like talking to you. It seems so different over the phone, you know?” [What does, Steve. What seems different. You've never met her. Hhhh.]
‘Yeah, but I wish you were here.’ your voice complains. “It is easier when you can’t see the person to converse freely.” [I am Perryfan Robot. I wish to make love to Stephen Robot. I converse freely over the telephone.]
“What do you do, are you a shrink?” He asks. [Huh?]
You laugh. “Oh, do I give myself away? Yes, I am. I have a private practice and I do some weekends with runaway kids.” ‘Just tell him everything, you dope’ [Why not, you're asking him enough questions... it's not like you told him you just broke up with your boyfriend and that you're confused when men get jealous when they find out you're banging the guitarist.]
He pauses. “Wow, I am impressed. You work with runaway kids. That must be challenging.” “It is. But very rewarding when the parents come back and say the kid has turned around, stays in school and is looking for work.” You smile remembering. [I'm pretty sure this lady works in a nursing home in real life, but she might have changed jobs.]
“I bet. You really don’t want to talk about work though do you?” You can sense a little smile on his face as he says that. [Hey, *you* want to talk about your past relationships with a stranger, Steve.]
“Not really, what do you want to talk about?” ‘You know what you want to talk about’ your voice says. It is getting annoying. [I think I'm the Voice of Reason here... 'cause that's what I was going to say.]
“You and me.” He says. “Are you attached?” [Steve. Back awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay from the crack pipe. She's in Kansas, you don't know her, and FOR THE LOVE OF STRANGE MEDICINE SHE'S ONE OF YOUR FANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That should be *enough*, man! Jesus titty-fucking Christ, how stupid can you get, Mr. Rockstar!]
You pause. ‘Oh shit’ that voice again. “No, I’m not. I find it hard to find a man that can see me for me and not the amount of money I make or what I look like.” [Because you're a smoking-hot, rich psychologist in Kansas?]
“I can relate.” He responds. “How long has it been for you?” He asks after a few minutes. [I don't think she realizes what 'a few minutes' means.]
‘Oh hell!’ “Shut up” you whisper, forgetting him
on the line.
“Excuse me?” He says, sounding surprised. [Dunno why he's really surprised she's talking to herself...]
“No, not you. Shit. I was talking to my little voice. Do you have one? Mine tends to get very annoying when I am stressed or under pressure. Especially in situations like this. It just goes into over time and then I have a tendency to ramble on and on about nothing at all when I am nervous.” [Oh, great, tell him exactly how crazy you are. He'll only be more attracted.]
You try to continue when you hear him laughing. “What’s so funny?” “You my dear, you. You sound like my mom when she was nervous. She would just ramble on and on. I think it’s cute.” [SEE?? Stevie, you're such a mama's boy.]
‘Cute? Oh damn.’ “I got it from my grandmother, she was the nervous type, but she had 6 kids to deal with!” You tell him laughing.
“6 kids? I can see why! So, are you going to answer my question?” [You can...? 'Cause I can't. She was nervous because she had 6 kids... and that got passed down to this lady?]
‘What question?’ “I forgot the question, can you repeat it please?” You know damn well what.
“You’re funny! I asked you how long it has been for you.” [I thought he was going to add some really bad penis size joke here, but he didn't. Perryfans are afraid of speaking of his cock, though, so I should have guessed.]
“How long has what been?” You try to egg him on, to get him to say the words, so you can hear it from him.
“It must be a long time, if you can’t remember! Sex, I am talking about sex. How long has it been since you have had a man?” [TMI!!!!!!!!!! What kind of guy is this!?]
‘There it’s out in the open, the subject of sex.’ Your voice
tells you. You wish you could smash your voice in two. “Sex? Oh shit, I don’t know. Too damn long, I would say.”
You know you want to ask him the same, so you do. [Psh, good.] “What about you?”
“Since I’ve had a man? All my life!” [except all those times with Neal... and some other times with other people, the list is too long...] He laughs and you laugh along with him. You can just see him with those eyes smiling and that mouth. You are getting hot. [All right, come and let's get it over with, then, if you're so turned on...] “No really. I haven’t been with anyone since Robyn and even then I was lucky if I got lucky!!”
You act amazed, and you are. “Are you serious? I would think that someone like you would get lucky, as you call it, all the time.” ‘Now that was cool’ [Well, it wasn't exactly cool.]
He laughs again, you find it is easy to make him laugh. [Because. He's. High. I'm telling you...] “Well, if that is the case, why would I be on the phone talking to a shrink in Kansas about how long it has been since I’ve had sex? Huh, huh, can you answer that one? Ha, Ha. No really, you ever had phone sex?’ [Well, now I feel like he's turned into my friend Ashley. "Huh? GET IT? HAHA! STEVIE HAS A BULGE, GROPE HIM!!!!! FRONTIERS!!!" What's all this about... this phone sex line he just dropped on her? HA GET IT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SEX AND I RANDOMLY SAID PHONE SEX.....................................
You drop the phone! [OMG, no way!] Picking it up you find him laughing, again! “Have I what?” [I'm laughing with him, man...]
“I think you heard me the first time! Have you?
It can be fun and harmless, releases some tension. I can start if you like, cause you see, I am already naked and harder than a rock.” [I'd hang up, I really would. I'd so not believe this. Steve Perry does not do this, I refuse to accept it. It's soooooooo baaaaaaaaad.]
You drop the phone again! [Jesus, butterfingers! Oh, wait... sorry.] Your hands are sweating so much and your panties are getting damp. [I'd think they already *were* seeing as how you're already hot *before*. Maybe that didn't mean wet.] Picking it up you tell him that you don’t believe him. [Finally, some sense out of this chick!]
“Just imagine it, you don’t really have to believe it, that’s part of the beauty, the imagination will take over. Are you wet?” [Ewwwwww, Stevie, you're creepy.]
You wish you had the headset from work, because it is getting harder to hang on to the phone. [Look, I've never tried this whole scenario, but I can imagine that one would be able to cradle the phone on one's shoulder if you really find you need *two* free hands. Honestly.]
After a moment you decide to play along, after all, you doubt you will ever meet the man. “Yes, Steve, I am. My panties are wet, you make me horny.” [I demand that you stop being a monotonous being. You're supposed to be, like, throwing in more dirtiness and stuff. Talk about what he has that makes you horny. Don't let him do all the work and get himself off with his own voice (wait, now that I think about that... he might).]
“I do? Your voice is doing it to me, my dick is getting really hard, and I need to stroke it. How would you relieve me?” [Well, if you're gonna do it yourself, Steve...]
Oh my god! You may have an orgasm without even touching yourself! “I would lick yo
u from the head to the balls. Then suck on them while stroking you. Can you feel it?” ‘Whoa, girl, you are heading for trouble.’ [Hooooly shit, this is so not good enough to make someone come. So. Not. Good. Come on, woman, tell him *about* his cock, too. Look, I've never even had phone sex and I know it's not enough.]
“OH yeah, I can. What else?” You can tell by his heavy breathing that he is excited. You wish you could see him and close your eyes to picture it. “I would lick the head and really suck on you. Making you very close to coming and then stop. Your turn” [Fast bj, eh?]
“Naughty girl! I would pull your panties off with my teeth and them lick your inner thighs, making you quiver. [He likes panties! He likes to bite them off!] I would then kiss your vagina ever so sweetly, tasting you, licking you, and bringing you to the edge. Your turn.” [Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I would so bet he would not use the word 'vagina'. If he was really serious about this he'd probably be like, "You'd feel my rough tongue inside your pussy (he'd use that word, probably) and suck on your clit" and SO FORTH NOT THIS. Not this.] You find your finger in your panties, pulling it out in shock, you chastise yourself, but then you find you can’t help it. [You already agreed to the whole debacle and now you're ashamed for taking part in it. Make up your mind.] You are horny and you need relief and Steve Perry is helping you along. [Yeeeeaaaah... "Steve Perry".]
“I would then move to your inner thighs and lick them. I would move up to your stomach, kissing your body every step of the way. I would stop at your left nipple. I would kiss it, lick it and slowly suck on it, enough to drive you insane. Your turn” [Your turn, I'm spent! Nipple sucking is tough work, everyone. Not
that I know.]
“I would in turn kiss you starting from your navel to your breasts. Stopping to lick the underside of your right one. I would ever so gently knead and stroke your nipple. I would then suck on it, making it hard. I would then move to the left one and repeat. Your turn.” [Well, at least he covered both... we can all sleep soundly now.]
This man is driving you insane and you find that you need to really get relief, so you pick up the pace, leading to the main event. I would straddle you, kissing you on the mouth, tongue and all. [*IS* there any other way to kiss?] I would lower myself onto you, taking you in one full stroke.”
You can tell he is stroking, by his breathing. [I don't understand how he's jacking off to this. He's on some serious drugs.] And it is getting you closer, just listening to him. “Can you feel me moving on top of you, Steve? I am so close to coming on you, can you feel me?” It wasn’t far from the truth, either. [*buzz* TRY AGAIN. You can't be close to coming. I disagree! There haven't even been any stimulating details!]
“OH god yes, I can. I an so close, don’t stop, tell me more.” His breathing is making it difficult to talk. [He hasn't been doing anything, sheesh, why doesn't he say something...]
“I am kissing you, tonguing you. My orgasm is close. I am so close. What are you doing with your hands, for real, Steve? Tell me, I need to know.” [HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“I am stroking my self and kneading my balls, I am so close now. Tell how you come.
“I am fingering my clit, to make it more intense.”
That was the truth. [Great, thanks.] “I can feel you getting ready to shoot. Oh my god, here I come. STEVE!!!” [No seeds, lol]
“OH BABY!!! I am coming too!” [READ THAT AGAIN and laugh accordingly.]
Silence. And you get your composure. Did you just do that? Over the phone? With Steve Perry? You become embarrassed all of a sudden. [Uh... huh.]
He starts, “Are you still there?”
“I am, I’m sorry, Steve. I got so carried away. I don’t normally do that. I may never look at your picture the same again!” [Don't tell him how many you have...]
He laughs. “Don’t apologize, you and I are both adults. I need to do the real thing, now. Tell me how to get there and I can be there by tonight.” [WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“Tonight? How?”
“I fly a helicopter, you know! I can be there in time for a light supper and a night of the real thing. What do you say?” [*dies laughing forever* OMFG oh my fucking Steve's cock strange medicine red tails phone sex your turn POWERS THAT BE, WTF IS WITH THIS GUY?]
You think for a minute, and finally you tell him. “Okay.” [Oh, geez, I'm sure glad you didn't leave him hanging.] Telling him the town and the name of the airport, he tells you he will make flight plans and call you from the airport. Telling him it is a small town, you will be able to see the chopper come in. [So why do they have an airport, then, if it's so small you can see every plane/helicopeter come in? Why? For the purposes of convenience.
]
“I will see you tonight, my love.” He says and hangs up. [He called her 'my love'. Wow. I hope he doesn't show up once he sobers up and realizes what he just did.]
Not being able to do much of anything all day, you go about your business with a smile on your face.
You are about to think he was joking when you hear the helicopter coming. Practically racing to your car, you are so nervous. Is it really him? [He took more drugs, I guess...]
Getting to the airport in what seemed like record time, you see him climbing down. He is wearing tight jeans and a T-shirt. Damn, it’s him. You find yourself getting excited again. [Is he in his 50s here, because he probably shouldn't be wearing tight jeans anymore if he is...]
Getting out of your car, you wait for him to come over to you. “Hi” He says. “Hi” you say. [How does he know it's her!!!!!!??????? Why was that so fucking groundbreakingly good that he really had to cancel all plans and take a helicopter out to meet someone he accidentally called? It was bad phone sex! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH]
Then out of nowhere, he pulls you into his arms and kisses you fully on the mouth. “Okay baby, lets go make that fantasy a reality.” He tells you. [What. Fantasy. Having phone sex? 1 minute blowjobs?] “But turn your voice off. It may get in the way!” Laughing you agree. [Y'know, he should be *wanting* her to talk, seeing as how that's what got him off in the first place. But I didn't write the story, thank Jebus.]
Getting into the car, you notice he is excited. [I'm so frightened of this man now, guys.] You go to your house and make love all night and until early the next day.
You wake around 8 A.M. and find him in your kitchen naked, making toast. [HE MADE
NAKED TOAST!!!!! HAHAHA!] Turing around, he smiles. “Good morning, sunshine. Are you hungry?”
You go to him and look him in the eyes, “Yes, but not for food” You kiss him hard and lead him to the bedroom. [*screams* You fucked him all night (what, 6 hours?), aren't you sore? Or something? Please? Stop for me?]
You call in that night for the next day and spend it in bed with Steve. [I think this is some sort of record...]
He tells you he has to go. “But I want you to come with me. There is something so different about you, baby, I don’t want to let you go. Say you will.” ['Different' like 'special'? Like 'YAAAAAAAAAAAYYY i'M sPeCiAl'?]
You are shocked, this is your dream come true. You think for a minute and decide, “I have to tie up some loose ends, patients, etc. Can you give me a month?” [Uh, wow.] “I can wait. Meanwhile, I don’t want to waste another minute talking.” Kissing you, the loving begins again. [How many times can I say WTF to this story. Don't answer that.]